Words of the Soul
by tobia
Summary: A collection of poems spanning Joan's crisis of faith (eventually). Please tell me what you think!
1. Silence

_Words of the Soul_

**Author's note: I don't own anything involved with Joan of Arcadia, the wonderful show that inspired these poems.**

Silence

Believe.

You want to

Only you don't

Because it's different

Different than normal.

And you miss normal.

And now there's no reason

No reason in the world

To believe your eyes

Or your ears

Or to believe in Him.

Hallucination

Such a long word

Longer than "God"

And so much better.

Right?

Now you have your answer

The reason in your rhyme

So why bother believing

If it wasn't real at all?

Sane people don't see Him

So why did you believe?

Why did you not question

That He was God?

You searched for an answer

In the heavens and in the soul

But they found it in your blood.

Where you never would've looked.

So you lay there, sick

With all your answers

A cure dripping into your veins

Washing Him away

So you don't know

Why you hang onto

That one shard of faith

And talk to Adam.

He says he'll believe

And you can only hope he will

Because you know you're putting

The last of your faith on the line.

Silence.

He doesn't speak.

Just stares into the distance

And thinks you're crazy.

And when he finally speaks

He gives you only a platitude:

"I believe that you believe it"

And your soul breaks in two.

You're done talking

You have Lyme's Disease

Now everything's silent

Just like God.


	2. Told

_Told_ It is on the second day they tell you

What was wrong.

So you can understand

Why it wasn't real.

Your family surrounds you

And you can't help but think

Of the faces around you the day before,

The day when God stopped talking.

The doctors come in

And start talking

Filling the silence

He left behind.

They don't quite look at you

When they say the words

That will haunt you forever

Even more than God.

And so you learn

Of blood and bacteria

And so much else

You never wanted to know.

You look at Kevin and Mom and Dad

And realize

That you've walked this path before

Only now it's you walking, alone

You hope they won't bring up Him,

Forget the God you thought you saw,

But this time you only hope

This time, you don't pray.

But sleeping dogs never lie

And so they ask

About what you've been seeing

These past eight months.

Everyone stares, waiting

Waiting for an answer

You don't want to give

The one Adam didn't believe

So you lie

And say you saw people

People who weren't God.

People who weren't real.

They try to explain

Why you saw what was never there

But you stop listening

And remember when you listened to Him.

Then you think of what you didn't see

In the midst of the missions and puzzles

The tick that bit you

The tick that made you see God.

You thought you spoke with Heaven

And was chosen by Him

So you did all the tasks

While the tick put your body through hell.


	3. Not Now

_Not Now_

Crazy.

That's what you are.

Only nobody says it.

At least not to you.

Not even the doctors

Who use words a mile long instead

Words you never heard before

Yet you know they mean "crazy."

Because what else are you

When you talk to God?

Or when you still wait to see Him

Even though you know He's not really there?

You wait for Him as a nurse or doctor

To come in and tell you it will be okay

And give you another mission

And some more faith as well.

But He's not a doctor or a nurse

At least not now.

For the first time since you saw Him

You're sure it won't be okay.

That doesn't stop them from saying it will

As they give you an IV for the millionth time

Or hold up your hair as you heave

Even when they know it's not true.

Your family says so, too

But you can see

In their faces and eyes

That's not okay at all.

They can't deal with this again

Another child sick forever

A child who saw people that weren't real

And they didn't notice for all that time

So you think they must be revealed

When the doctor suggests Gentle Acres

So someone else can deal with you

And things you thought you saw.

And you're relieved, too.

You won't have to talk to Adam

Who thinks you're crazy

And who didn't believe

So when you're well enough

To leave to the hospital

You pack your bags for crazy camp

And leave yourself behind.


	4. Shatter

_Shatter_

You sit in silence

Staring out the window

And watching as the world goes by

Disappearing before your very eyes

You're used to this silence by now

Because it's easier not to talk

When nobody's talking to you

Maybe you should have done that all along.

You should have never listened

Never said a word in reply

Just walked away and rolled your eyes

And never have gotten involved

And then when the truth came out,

The secret in your blood,

It wouldn't have hurt

Like it does now.

It is impossible to lose

What you never had at first

And you never would have believed

In what would break your soul

You could have told them right away

About the boy who claimed to be God

So they could find out the problem

Before you let yourself believe.

But you didn't, of course.

So here you are

Going to crazy camp

Going through your own little hell.

You've never been to camp before

Even though Luke and Kevin did

Because you were never quite as special

At least until you got sick.

Now you're special in the worst of ways,

Sick in body and broken in soul.

Oh, what you wouldn't give

To just be normal again.

Kevin and Luke were always the stars

The award-winners, the champions

"Best Athlete," "Most Intelligent"

Is there an award for being sane?

They're driving you themselves

Even when they let Luke fly alone

Because Luke is sane and healthy

And you're glass, waiting to break.

They treat you like a child

Writing your name on all your clothes

As though they think you'll get lost

And won't be able find your way home again

But as much as they baby you

They seem frightened, too

As though touching you

Would make you go insane again.

But now they won't have to touch you

For a whole six weeks

While the those expensive doctors

Put their Humpty Dumpty back together again.


End file.
